My family was never particularly religious however I do remember going to a church group as a child and singing along to jesus jingles. Mum found solace from dad's schizophrenic terror in church spaces. I remember she ran a thrift store from a room in a big church in Brisbane. She liked working there. In this church space, I think, and in others, she was able to let her awesome operatic voice loose, and play and practice the piano.
Other experiences. In my early University days, I developed quite a successful eating disorder. I remember touring a theatre production with a large group. We had some drinks and some of us went in to the kitchen and helped ourselves to bread and butter and jam. That is one of the only times I tried to make myself vomit. I then went and told one of the other group members about it. She hugged me and told me how she loved jesus and how this love makes everything OK. In my fog of drunkenness, desperation and depression, what she was saying made sense.
When I first started masturbating - how old was I? 12 or 13? 14? - I would almost always stop at some point, lifting my fingers off my clit and surrounding areas, and recite a short much-repeated prayer I've since forgotten. I see now I did this out of guilt. I honestly thought - but without thinking much about it at the time - that my masturbating might cause harm to those I love. You know what? I still feel this guilt sometimes, even today, and while I rarely stop touching myself because of it, I do feel its ghost there, silently judging me.
Of course, masturbation is brilliant and necessary. Anyone who argues otherwise is misguided. Guilt is a dreadful thing to impose on anyone. Most (all?) religions operate on this corrupt idea of guilt and salvation. This is wrong.
People have helped me and my family over the years. Some of these people have been associated with church and/or religion, a lot haven't. Churches are big and beautiful architectural feats and I like them. There is no god at work here. Just people. That's all.
'Project Maureen'
3 months ago
1 comments:
Wow, I never would have guessed that you would still feel residues of guilt over masturbation. I have huuuuge hangups about it. Only a couple of years out of a religion that I spent 30 years in has left me pretty darned confused about sexuality in general. I have an impressive store of hang-ups to address but I think my partner is pretty happy to be along for the ride ;D
I love your adulation of churches - I think the Mormon ones are pretty boring personally (the temples are nice) - but I like the idea of looking at things like art and architecture for an opportunity to admire the remnants of religion.
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